Most of your faults arent you fault

Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on

When faced without a challenge, Make one

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone

If you can't win, change the rules

You can call a monkey a fish, but it is still an monkey

Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again

I poured spot remover on my dog and he disappeared

Roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty what happened to you?

GUYS ARE LIKE ROSES WATCH OUT FOR THE PRICKS

IT's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your
mouth and prove it

God made mud god made dirt god made guys so girls can flirt

God made coke god made pepsi god made Prince Charming so darn sexy

Guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs

 girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked too, but if u press the
wrong button u'll be disconnected!

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.

evil is just live backwords

Only a child could understand this; Fetch me a child of five.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Timing must be perfect now. Two-timing must be better than perfect

Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!

 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
encounter many rivals.

Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

 Total strangers need love to. And im stranger then most!

Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."

Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.

Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
generation to generation?
Mom: Yes?
Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.

But I don't like Spam!!!!"

) It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Your family is so poor that someone stepped on a lighted cigirate and ur dad asked who turned down the heat.

"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."

I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words

This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!

I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.

"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly. "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
"Why?"
"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.

It's about Russia.

Showing up is 80% of life

I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.

Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!

 That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude

I ran up my door,
Shut the stairs,
Got in my prayer,
Said my pajamas,
Jumped in light,
And turned off the bed.
All cause you kissed me goodnight.

i ran into my ex the other day. I hit reverse & hit him again.