Ross to Monica: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater!

Phoebe to Ross: Remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz!....Ok, theres a CHANCE that this may have been a dream.

Rachel: Im out a thousand dollars, Im all scratched up, and Im stuck with a cat that looks like a hand!

Phoebe: Yes, this is your third divorce. You love divorce so much youre probable gonna marry it. Then it wont work out and youre gonna have to divorce it, Divorce Guy!...Im so drunk.

Phoebe: Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say. It could say "Ross Geller, Good at Marriage!" Yknow? Mines gonna say "Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive."

Joey: Monday, One Day. Tuesday, Two day. Wednesday, When? Huh? What day? Thursday, the Third day!

Monica: This picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be Married," not "Local Woman Saves Drowning Moron!  Ross: [looking at the pictures] This one seems to say I love you and thats why I have to kill you.

Joey: (on what a Moo point is) Its a cows opinion. It doesnt matter. Its moo.

Chandler to Joey: You have to stop the Q-tip when theres resistance!

Rachel: I really thought I hit rock bottom, but today, its like theres rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.

Phoebe: There goes my identical twin sister, just walkin along, lookin like me.

Joey: Hey, Im not interested in her sweater! Its whats underneath her sweater that counts!

Rachel to Ross: Oh, what do you know? You married a lesbian.

Chandler: Ok kids, I gotta go to work. If I dont put in those numbers...doesnt make much of a difference.

Chandler: From now on I have no first name. Joey: So youre just Bing? Chandler: I have no name.

Rachel: Isnt that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

Monica: I'm Monica, Im disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

Ross: Id figure after work Id pick up a bottle of win, go over there, and try to wooo her. Chandler: Hey, you what you should do? Ross: What? Chandler: You should take her back to the 1890's when that phrase was last used.

Phoebe: Hey, you know what I just realized? Joker is poker with a ''J''. Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, thats Joincidence with a ''C''.

Joey to Chandler: Okay, man, I didnt want to bring this up, but Chandler is the stupidest name Ive ever heard in my whole life! Its not even a name! Its barely even a word. Its kind of like chandelier...but its not. Its a stupid, stupid, non-name.

Joey: You see, the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell came from.

Joey: Well, youre gonna have to get a divorce! Rose: No, no, no...we can just get an annulment! Joey: Dude, Ross, I dont think surgery is the solution!

Chandler: Monica. Think. You're going with Julie...to Bloomingdales...Its like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship!

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girls wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin in a box!!

Phoebe: Oh, thats explain it because she called me around 2 a.m. At first all I could hear were little squeaky sounds so I thought maybe it was a mouse or a possum- but then I thought, "where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make a phone call?"

Phoebe: They dont know that we know they know we know!

Rachel to Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me or sleeping with someone else?

Rachel: Joey has a secret peep hole, he takes naked pictures of us, eats his bucket of chicken and looks at them!

Ross to Joey: Right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? Joey: Im gonna be in the waitin room, handing out cigars. Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys, Oh, cute, cute. Monica: No fair. I dont even have one. How come they get two? Chandler: Youll get one. Monica: Oh yeah? When? Chandler: All right, Ill tell you what. When were 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? Monica: Why won't I be married when Im 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when Im 40? Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me? Chandler: (trapped) uh, uh. Monica: Well? Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

Joey: You dont think moms sexy? Ross: Well...not in the same way... Joey: Ill have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think its easy giving birth to seven children?

Joey: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat? Chandler: You think thats whats weird? Joey, the mans been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years. (Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.) Chandler: Waaa-aaah! Joey: What? Chandler: The spoon. You liked and-and you put. You liked and you put! Joey: Yeah, so? Chandler: Well dont you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey gets a sheepish look) You used my toothbrush? Joey: Well, that was only cause I used the red one to unclog the drain. Chandler: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere. Joey: Hey, why cant we use the same toothbrush, but we can use same soap? Chandler: Because soap is soap. Its self-cleaning. Joey: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and thing you wash.

Phoebe: (describing the tattoo shes going to get) Um, Im getting a lily for my Mom. Cause her name is Lily. Chandler: Wow, thats lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

Phoebe: In the cab on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Smoked a joint. You know, lit a bone. Weed. Hemp. Ganja. Rachel: Okay, okay. I'm with you, Cheech.

Phoebe: The dont know we know they know we know! And Joey, you cant say anything! Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.

Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you dont meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and thats how you break a hip.

Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my book popped out. Phoebe: Oh, NO Rachel: Its ok. I have nice boobs.

Monica: Hey Phoebe, guess what Im thinking? Phoebe: Oh, okay!! How its been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it?! Monica: No, only now that's what I'm thinking.

Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

Joey: And you call yourself an accountant? Chandler:...No!

[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed] Joey: Aw, man! He took the five of shades! [looks through deck] Joey: No, here it is.

Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Yeh, sure. Rachel: How about you, Phoebe? Phoebe: No thanks I've already seen one.

[Chandlers key broke in Monicas door] Chandler: I love you. Monica: I love you too Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now? Monica: Um.....No? Chandler: Uh...Yea Yea Me Neither.

Rachel: Guess What! Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce! Joey: (looking at Ross) How dare you!! Monica: No. Barry and Mindy. Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross!

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian! Carol: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they dont let you do it.

Joey: Want some jam? Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

Phoebe: We can be guys! Come on let us be guys! Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with good, Mad-libs and condoms.] Chandler: Condoms? Joey: We don't know how long were gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world. Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

Monica: Mom and Dad have always liked you better! Ross: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!

[Monicas reunion with an old high school friend.] Monica: Oh my god. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throu your jacket over a chair? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, its a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, its pile of garbage.

[Joey is teaching an Acting for Soap Operas class] Joey: I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!

[Chandlers drunk from having jello shots] Monica: Stick out your tongue! Chandler: Take off your shirt!

[The Friends attend a lesbian wedding] Joey: All these women, and nothin Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

Judy Geller: You that I was Rachel? Chandler: You we did because you look so pretty. Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

[filling out a form] Monica: Are you currently on any medication Rachel: Um, oh wait yes! Blistex! Monica: Okay, no!

Rachel: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plates gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

Ross: Alright you kids, bye now. Phoebe and Ryan: Bye. [waving with the oven mits on their hands] Ross: Oh look, a low budget puppet show. Phoebe: Haha. Yeah. Its such a shame you cant see which finger Im holding up.

Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesnt see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesnt like me either. Chandler: Thats weird. I dont think my boss likes me either. Monica: I don't think mine likes me either. Ross: Maybe its a universal thing? Joey: Or maybe, its because youre hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.) Chandler: Yeah lets head off to work. Monica: We should go.

Chandler: Apparently, my sperm have low motility, and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: What does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers, and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do.

PHOEBE: "OK, you're gonna have to not touch my ass."

RACHEL: "Isn't that just kick you in the crotch spit on your neck fantastic?"

 

CHANDLER: "Gum would be perfection? GUM would be perfection. Coulda said gum would be nice, coulda said I'll have a stick but no no no... for me, gum is PERFECTION. I loath myself."

 

PHOEBE: "Uh oh... it's scary scientist man."

 

CHANDLER: "OK, Janice - you gotta give me Janice!"

ALL: "OK, yeah."

ROSS: "We'll give you Janice."

PHOEBE: "I miss Janice, though... 'Hello Chandlah Bahng.'"

RACHEL: "'Oh..... muy.... gohd....'"

JOEY: "'Oh Chandlah... now! That's it! Fastah!' Ha hah."

CHANDLER: "Oh, no... no no no no."

JOEY: "That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time."

CHANDLER: [caveman voice] "Men are here."

JOEY: "We make fire. Cook meat."

CHANDLER: "Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back."

CHANDLER: "OK, you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!"

CHANDLER: "Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I got pants that need to be altered."

JOEY: "Hey Chandler. When you see Franky tell him Joey Tribianni says 'hello.' He'll know what it means."

CHANDLER: "You think he's gonna be able to crack that code?"

JOEY: "That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over; then the go up the other side and move it back, and then they do the rear! What?!?! Ross, will you tell him: isn't that how a tailor measures pants."

ROSS: "Yes, yes it is.... in PRISON."

JOEY: "Heh heh... you guys are messing with me, right?"

[long pause] ALL: "Yeah... yeah."

JOEY: "That was a good one, for a second there I was like 'whoa!'"

CHANDLER: "Yo, pizon. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor..... is a very BAD

 

Phoebe: If you buy a mattress from Janice's ex-husband, isn't that like betraying Chandler?
Monica: Not at these prices!

Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition.]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack! 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.

[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it]
Chandler: What the hell's going on here? You formed a mob outside our apartment? This woman tried to do something nice for you people. This is how you thank her? I bet you none of you know her name.
Neighbor: Yeah, we do! Candy lady!
Chandler: Okay, that's it! Everybody get out of here! Go home!
Joey: Yeah, go home!
[goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the candy]
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute. Somebody left this threatening note.
Joey: [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...

Ross: [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink.
Chandler: And a LEMON LIME!
Ross: You shouldn't have! I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Joey: And last but not least.
[Monica receives her gift]
Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE!

Chandler: Alright, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention!
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT!

[pounding a scone]
Ross: Stupid British snack food!
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

[In response to a stupid comment.]
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.

Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy," and it *is* a big deal!

[After Monica gets a disastrous haircut.]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock.
[To Rachel]
Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight...really overweight...I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about him in a long time.

Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Pheobe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Pheobe!
Phoebe: Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious!

[Will gives a cake to Monica]
Will: It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy...It's no good, throw it out!

Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.

Ross: So what are you up to?
Will: I'm a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? That sounds interesting?
Will: Yeah, no it's not but I'm rich and thin!

Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No...no honey...Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

Chandler: It's been a while since we've yelled something...Maybe we should...No!
Phoebe: What? No! Damn you ref! Burn in hell!

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT! I'm taking the ESSENCE!
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

[after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt]
Ross: Dude, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Dude!
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Dude"?
Ross: ... and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.

[Playing Football]
Monica: Okay Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.

Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?

Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know.

Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?

Monica: OKAY! Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well, I don't know! Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy.

[Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room]
Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian!
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller: [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller: [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!

[Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair]
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10 eh,
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE!, I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH!
Monica: OH MY GOD!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST!
Phoebe: OH! Oh she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW!

Joey: Here it is buddy boy, you hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh My God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear! Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing anymore clothes?

Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [On the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? ...Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity.

Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: OH MY GOD! Chandler M. Bing!

Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name!

Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine?
Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing! Him! Right there!
Monica: No!
Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong"
Chandler: Ms. Chanandler Bong.

Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas!
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.

Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in...Ello there mate!

[After observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break!" "No we weren't!" What happened to you two?

Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I'm not macho.
Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off!
Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

Ross: What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER!

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! That's great! Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
Monica: No! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?
Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal!

Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99! Whoo!"
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! WHOO! This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?

Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!

Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.

Chandler: [To Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.

Chandler: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want Monica to find out.
Phoebe: You told me.
Chandler: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet.
Chandler: Me too.

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...Emily.

[In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel]
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
[Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him]
Gunther: RACHEL?

[After Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together]
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women...

[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day!
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross: Or, something to remember me by...

[Monica knocks]
Chandler: You can't come in!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know! And Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.

[Ross is given medicine for anger management]
Chandler: What did they give you?
Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore.

Joey: [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor] All right, what are we having?
[After catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom.]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.

[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost earring]
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down...]
Rachel: Oh you know me, Babies, responsibilities, Ahhh!

Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh, No
Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.

Monica: Hey Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking?
Phoebe: Oh, okay! How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: No, only now that's what I'm thinking.

[No one knows about Monica and Chandler yet.]
Monica: Chandler loves my massages.
Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't.
Monica: What happened to us being honest?
[Pause, everyone looks at Monica]
Monica: And, by us, I mean everyone.

Eddie: [Chandler just asked him to move out] This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
Chandler: No, no, no! This isn't out of the blue! This is smack dab in the middle of the blue!

Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.

Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler: ...No!

[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
Joey: Aw, man! He took the five of spades!
[looks through deck]
Joey: No, here it is.

Joey: I can pass for 19, right?
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Seriously.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.
Joey: [gasps] I'm 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31!
Joey: Aw, crap!

Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeh, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No thanks I've already seen one.

-
[when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf]
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in High School? Joey: No. I had sex in High School.

[A nurse just asked Monica out, Chandler gets jealous]
Monica: Sure, can't wait
[Nurse walks by]
Chandler: How's about me and you, Saturday night?
Nurse: No.
Chandler: Ok very nice!

[Chandlers key broke in Monica's door]
Chandler: I Love You.
Monica: I Love You Too
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now?
Monica: Um......No?
Chandler: Uh...Yea Yea Me Neither.

Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man!

Rachel: Guess what! Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: (looking at Ross) How dare you!
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross!

Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?

Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT?
Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?

Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT!"

[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent.]
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberweiss! It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough!

[Ross is wearing a white suit.]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh! Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

Emily: Ross! Come look! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.

Joey: And look! A phone in the bathroom!
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in.
Richard: I didn't need to know that.

Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk.

Rachel: You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross: Then I'll use the gentle cycle.

Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone!
Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?

[Describing her friends.]
Monica: Married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!

Phoebe: We can be guys! Come on, let us be guys!
Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms.]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Monica looks fat in an old home movie.]
Monica: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

Joey: What? You made a bet! A bet is a bet! You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet!

Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then-
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Me too.
Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?
Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature!
[they get up]
Monica: Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.
Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill!
Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on!

-
Monica: Mom and Dad have always liked you better!
Ross: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!

[Monica's reunion with an old high school friend.]
Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the movie theater?
Chip: Yeah. I can get you free posters for your room!
Monica: No thanks, I'm set!

Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave.
Chandler: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's?

[About Ross' new baby]
Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.

Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

[Doing a crossword puzzle.]
Ross: Heating device.
Phoebe: Radiator.
Ross: Five letters.
Phoebe: Rdatr.

Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds!
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven!
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct!

Ross: No Phoebe! You don't want to see what's under there!
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets!

Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage.

Chandler: [dancing and singing] She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back!
Monica: Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler: That's why I'm dancing!

[Joey gets caught using Charlton Heston's dressing room shower.]
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.

Monica: Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982?

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

Joey: She thinks she's the greatest actress since... since... sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah yes, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?

[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?

[Carol is nursing Ben.]
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it!

Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."

Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?

Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out?
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times! That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. ...Did I say that out loud?

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler: Gum would be perfection.

[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]
Monica: Can't we tell your parents first?
Richard Burke: They're both dead.

Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why theyqre exctinct?
Ross: Joey, they are people!
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging!

Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over.
Phoebe: Oh my god, why?
Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.

Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool!"

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.

[Ross and Joey's first meeting]
Ross: [glum] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: Cool.
Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.

[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?

[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel: Oh, it was horrible! He called me "young lady"!
Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that!

Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy!
Ross: Hey, Paul!
Phoebe: Hey, Paul!
Rachel: Hi, Paul!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point.

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckels, we're not making any noise.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down!

Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?
[pause]
Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up!

Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.

[Peering out the window.]
Phoebe: Hey! It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving!
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt!

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!

[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica.]
Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler: I hope he did!

Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
Jill Green: No. What? Rachel: Well... she died.

[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.

Rachel: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

[A ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica: All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe: That's okay.
[Adds them.]
Phoebe: All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Rachel: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing.

Rachel: So umm, how -- how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.

Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old lonely guy, I need a thing, a hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy man with a snake"! Crazy Snake Man! Then I'll buy more snakes, call them my children. Kids won't walk past my house, they will run! "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony.]
Chandler: Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!

Chandler: Men are here!
Joey: We make fire! Cook meat!
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Phoebe: Quit being so "testosterony"!
Chandler: ...The real San Francisco treat.

Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig?
Rachel: Julie! Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic!

Monica: I'm Rachel! I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!
Rachel: I'm Monica! I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there!

[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you. Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet!

Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr., Jr.
Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies, and we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Phoebe: Oh, wow. That's so nice! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice: ...You think about it.

Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So -- you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint!
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint! Clint!
Joey: What's up with Gene?

Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.

Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...
[crying]
Monica: There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes.

Rachel: Oh my God! I've become my father! I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming!

Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.

Rachel: See? Unisex!
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that!

[When asked if he knows anything about chicks.]
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? ...No.

Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.

Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?

Susan: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day!
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day!

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.

Monica: [To Will] This is my husband, Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: I'd shake your hand, but I'm really into the game. Plus, I'd think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand next to each other.

Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were? [To Ross]
Will: So what do you do now?

[After settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

[Jill is wearing a sexy outfit.]
Jill Green: So, what do you think?
Rachel: I-I don't like it.
Jill Green: Really?
Rachel: It's kinda slutty.
Jill Green: It's yours.
Rachel: Well, I'm a slut!
Jill Green: Me too!

Rachel: [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.
Chandler: And you thought of that in there?
Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.

Chandler: [talking about a dog] What if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?

[To Ross]
Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.

Janice: Goodnight my Bing-a-ling.

[Referring to Janice]
Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters Central Perk]
Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine!
Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.

Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.

[Chandler's trying to quit smoking]
Chandler: Eww, Lambchop! How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.
[does so]
Chandler: [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.

[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".

[Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart]
Phoebe: You got a haircut!
David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.

Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.
Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".
Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.

Rachel: You're a pathetic loser, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah

Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again.
Rachel: So, just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem?
Chandler: I can't seem to say good-bye.

Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?

Chandler: [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did!
Ross: That's a duck.
Chandler: That's a bad duck!

Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?

Joey: Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair!

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

Monica: Wow! You're a really good kisser!
Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women.

Chandler: Stay...stay! Good fake dog.

Chandler: I thank Phoebe, a truly worthy opponent, and may I say... your breasts are still showing.

Joey: [mubling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.
Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.

Ross: [while moving a sofa with Phoebe and Chandler] Pivot! Pi-vot! PI-VOT!

Monica: That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid!

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now.
Ben: Why? I want him to stay.
Chandler: Because......if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long.......the universe will......implode....

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo!

[Chandler walks in.]
Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.

Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

Chandler: You should be a chef.
Monica: Okay!

[Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]
Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: I thought you were Chandler.
[Joey looks disturbed]
Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there.

[After a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase on TV]
Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas?
Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead!

Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married! And they're gonna have a baby!
Rachel: Uhuh.

[Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas]
Joey: Hey Rach! How you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross! Don't let her drink anymore!

Rachel: How do I ask a guy out?
Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel: ewww
Joey: [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing?
Phoebe: [Giggles] Just fine.

Joey: We're going to London, Baby
Chandler: That's not going to get annoying!

Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.

Frank Buffay Jr.: My sister's having my baby!

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow! You look fabulous!" at them?
Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E!"?

[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening.]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.

Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI!
Phoebe: Ugh! The name was my favorite part!
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not! You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab"!
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good

Monica: I've got it, lesbian wedding, chicken breasts!
[Silence]
Monica: What? I'm not gonna put nipples on them!

Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
[takes a glass from the fridge]
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Whoa!
Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!
Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.

Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to wait.

[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo, comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right!
[jumps up]

[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days!
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence!
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues!

Phoebe: Rachel didn't have anything that I liked, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh! Christmas!

[Thanksgiving]
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh! I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH!
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]
Monica: Why must your family be Scottish?
Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*?

[About Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.

Joey: Hey check it out! Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod! That's our friend! It's naked Ross!

[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK, well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...

Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! [Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast.]
Monica: Okay, umm, I just wanna say that...I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.
[Chandler clears his throat.]
Monica: Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit!

Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?

Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it!
Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.

[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.

Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
[Yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass!
[To Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: You're mean on the boat! Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea!

Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
[Shows Phoebe the picture]
Rachel: And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.

Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica

[bursts into Chandler's hotel room]
Ross: [Screaming] I'm getting married today! Whoo-hoo!
Chandler: [With the covers pulled up to his chin] Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'm getting married, to..day!
Chandler: Yeah you are!
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!
[He runs back out the door]
Monica: [Comes up for below the covers] Do you think he knew I was here?

[talking to Ross]
Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV I think it's raining outside.

[Watching Joey's small role in a porno movie]
Joey: Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.

Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
[to Ross]
Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

Ross: [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound...OF music!

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Phoebe: [sees a little kid playing with a race car bed - to kid] Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store.

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Monica: [to Joey] Hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?

Monica: This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery"!

Joey: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here!

Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler: That was you.
Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.

Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours.

Joey: Wow what a cool job!
[Imitating the answering machine]
Joey: You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.

[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay! If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

-
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey! Ross came as Doody!

[Halloween costumes; Monica's Cat Woman and Phoebe's Super Girl]
Phoebe: Ah so we meet again oh Cat Woman
Monica: So we do oh Super Girl.
Phoebe: [Laughs] It's me, Phoebe.

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

Emily: There's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]
Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time!
Chandler: That's great! Last year I got the gift of space! We should get together and make a continuum!

Ross: So, does it do something special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend.
Chandler: So now you're not my friend?
Ross: Not now.
Chandler: All right.
Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Hahahahahahaha!
Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again?
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me...

[Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives]
Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking...
Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?

Phoebe: Lily's dead.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she wasn't, then cremating her was a pretty bad idea.

Monica: [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that's bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.

Joey: Sup? So i see you're playing a little Playstation. That's whack. Playstation is whack. Sup with the whack Playstaion, sup? Am I 19 or what?
Chandler: Yes on a scale of 1 to 10 on how ridiculous a person can look, you are definitely 19.

[They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives]
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years!
Chandler: Joey...
Joey: You want to make it six?

[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money is mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller.

[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's
Rachel: What are you a detective?

[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]
Joey: Look Chandler, if this is going to work you have got to listen! Your gonna throw that juice in my face aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice!

Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did.
Jack Geller: Is that...
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did.
Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN!
Phoebe: I Love Jok Custou!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I WANNA GOOOOOOO!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.

Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane. Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!

[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

Ross: I'm going to China
Monica: China? Why?
Ross: We have a bone, they want the bone so we have to take the bone over--it's a big bone thing.

Phoebe: Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.

Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?"
Monica: Which one was that?
Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza.....".

[Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense]
Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88!
Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?

Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving! Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]
Ross: C'mon man, just take em off, just take em off and we'll have some fun.

Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Uh.. well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right?
Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

[Chandler's drunk from having jello shots]
Monica: Stick out your tongue!
Chandler: Take off your shirt!

[Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall]
Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants!
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

[The Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: All these women, and nothin'.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

Sandra Green: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler: Yes we did because you look so pretty.
Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Monica: [Deciding what to cook] Is this not cute? OK! Lesbian Wedding - CHICKEN BREASTS!

Rachel: [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open
[pause]
Rachel: ha, i made you look.

[on thanksgiving day]
Chandler: So, when's the big game gonna start?
Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.

[After Ross comes in dressed as a SPUDnik]
Chandler: Suddenly I don't have the worst costume anymore!

[Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]
Rachel: I'll just become a lesbian
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have you

[Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler]
Monica: Oh my God! She knows about us!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps...SHE KNOWS!

[Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her]
Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so...vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla! I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Phoebe: To Ross.

[After Chandler kisses Kathy]
Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.

[Monica dates Pete, a millionaire]
Chandler: [to Pete] So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*?
Monica: [to Pete] And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink!

[filling out a form]
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh wait yes! Blistex!
Monica: Okay, no!

Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people!
Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
Monica: There's more beer right?

Phoebe: Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.

Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School.
Chandler: That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class I took, but I was looking for something a little bit more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Rachel: [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.

Joey: [To Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Of course there they'd just call it food.

Monica: [To everybody] We have to talk.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. Alright no I'm not.
Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is!

[About Ross being in love with Rachel]
Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... alright what's bigger than huge?
Joey: Uh, this?
Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer?

[Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do YOU know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy! Joey: [raising his hand] some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams!

[Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler's relationship]
Phoebe: I can't believe it. I mean think it's great. For him, she might be able to do better.

Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend together. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax, mom.
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.

Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: Yeah, ok, At ease soldier!

[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom]
Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.

Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God! What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird place.
Rachel: Um...Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: Alright... oh, the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!

Chandler: We loved Schteve! Schteve was schexy!

Joey: Va fa napoli!

[Rachel is upset about something]
Phoebe: It's ok Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that's your name!
Phoebe: Oh! I thought that was just something we called each other.

Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you.
Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour!

Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.

[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award!
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it!

Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn't have even opened these! I mean I--Joey, I am out of control! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay.
[hands her one]

Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
[The girls walk away]
Joey: You'll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.

Nora Bing: Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy
[softly]
Nora Bing: and a fantastic lover.
Chandler: Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.

Phoebe: Hello, my name is Clunkers! May I please stay with you nice people?

Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend?
Phoebe: A month.
Monica: Really? I'd say two or three.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey: Fine! No one ever listens to me! If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside!

Monica: Chandler! You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...

[Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill]
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel!
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Monica: So, can we still be friends and have sex?
Richard Burke: Sure, it'll just be something we do together, like racquetball.

Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died? Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!

[Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]
Monica: How ya doin'?
Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!
Rachel: Okay, you win.

[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

Ross: (about Rachel's date Russ)Plus, it takes the guy, what, I don't know, uh, like, a week, to get a sentence out?
Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, huh?

Ross: Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart
Ross: Hey, I might!

Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you-you worked in a mine?
Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a...while...

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.

Joey: Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler: You've got waaaay too much free time.

Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.

Rachel: Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore!
Rachel: No, no we're not.
Ben: Coz you and dad were on a break!

Phoebe: You're trying to remember where you know me from? Alright, I'll give you a hint... FROM PORN! Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!

Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did!
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'!

Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
Pete: No.
Monica: Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you?
Pete: No I don't.
Monica: None at all?
Pete: Okay I love you, is that so wrong?

Joey: So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring?
Monica: He's not boring! He's just low key.

[to Emily's father]
Jack Geller: Don't start with me, Mister Would be speaking German if it wasn't for us!

[Ross's lame Halloween costume joke]
Ross's date: Oh, my god! You're Spudnik! Chandler: [to Ross] Marry her.

[Chandler has just watched a woman giving birth on tape]
Chandler: Before this, the most disturbing thing I ever saw was my dad doing tequila shots off the pool boy. Now, I'd gladly use that image as my screensaver!

Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones."
Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones!"

Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
[Monica stares]
Chandler: ...in exchange for money.

Monica: You know Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person.
Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid.

Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
Monica: I'll have a latte.
Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little-
Phoebe: You know I was just being polite!

[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there. Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...

Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma?
Amy: I think so...
[looks at Phoebe]
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.

Chandler: Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control....
Monica: That's just another word for "lose"!

-
[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up.]
Chandler: Great show! Good work, Joey!
Joey: You liked it?
Chandler: Liked it? I loved it!
Joey: What did you like best about it?
Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show!
Joey: What about the specifics?
Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part!
Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey: You fell asleep! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my suggestions.

Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
Joey: Why?
Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
Chandler: I know! So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
Joey: I know!

Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Ok, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry!
Rachel: Ok...

Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me! You're the one who like the picture so much!

Joey: [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.
[Rachel walks into the room]
Rachel: Hey, sweetie.
Joey: [thinking] I love you.

Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.

[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know! I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel!
Phoebe: Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah! I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

[Monica and Chandler come back from London]
Phoebe: Oh, my god! You had sex!
Monica: No, we didn't!
Phoebe: [to Chandler] I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.

Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.

Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids! I can't wait to see you! Please don't hurt me.

[Phoebe is in labor]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey! I came as soon as I heard!
Phoebe: Hey. Where's Alice?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, she's in Delaware. But, don't worry, she told me all about the lamazda training.
Chandler: Yes, that would be if you get the babies out by the end of the month, you get 2% financing.

Dr. Harad: Hello, I'm Dr. Harad. I'm going to be delivering your babies. And by the way, I love Fonzie.

Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one.
Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...

Joey: C'mon! I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets; I got secrets of my own you know!
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets
Joey: Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal!
[blushes, embarrassed]

[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it! A-man-duh.

Joey: I don't get it! Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
Chandler: That's different! The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed!

Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
[Joey giggles]
Ross: What's so funny?
Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".

[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]
Chandler: Could we BE more white trash?

[in Richard's apartment]
Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape! It says 'Monica'!
Joey: So?
Chandler: Think about it! Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it...
[Joey looks thoughtful]
Chandler: Get there faster!
[Joey thinks for a few seconds]
Joey: Ohhhh!

Chandler: Wow! What a kitchen!
[looks further inside]
Chandler: Slash, bathroom!

-
[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
Ross: Curie.
Rachel: Veto. Rain.
Ross: Veto. Mark.
Rachel: Veto. Vince.
Ross: Veto. Lance.
Rachel: Veto. James.
Ross: Hmmm...
Rachel: If it's a girl.
Ross: Veto!
Phoebe: Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?

Phoebe: Observe the art of seduction. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home. Monica: You are such a good boss!
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the-
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking!

Phoebe: You know, Chandler, you being here is the best gift I could ask for Christmas.
Chandler: Aww. Thanks Pheebs.
Phoebe: Ok, now where's my real present?

Chandler: So, I guess this is it.
Monica: What's it?
Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean-
Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have a relationship lasting longer than... Ohhhhh!

Monica: Oh, my god! Chandler! Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy!
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB!

Eddie: Ok. You want me to move out? Fine. I just want to hear you say it.
Chandler: Fine. Eddie I would like you to move out.
Eddie: No, that's no good. I want you to say it with your mouth.

Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hottest couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex!
Chandler: Monica, this is stupid. Just to prove them wrong you're willing to go and have hours and hours of sex oh my god why am I saying no to this, get your coat!

Chandler: Oh, my god. You know what just happened? You just freaked out about our relationship!
Monica: I did not!
Chandler: Yes, you did! Just admit it!
Monica: All right, all right. I admit it, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: A little? You freaked out BIG TIME! You know what just happened? I became the relationship master, and you turned into the bumbling screw up! We have now switched places! Take that!
[Chandler does a victory dance, while Monica stares at him]
Chandler: [stops dancing] And, we're back to where we were...

Monica: Alright, I'm going to tell him that its not going to happen.
[As she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory dance]
Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE!
Chandler: Got it.

[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller: Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could-
Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING!
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
[to Joey]
Chandler: Well, except you.

[Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish]
Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around?

[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees?
Joey: They go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes!

Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
[kisses Joey]
Joey: [mumbles] Oomchimawa.

[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Director: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

[In mens' room]
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall Guy: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping-
Tall Guy: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown.
Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ... All right, that's fair.
[throws water at Tall guy's crotch] Tall Guy: Hey! What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey! You're the one wetting your pants!

[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: Oh, my god! Under the couch.
[takes out bag]
Rachel: We got one! It's a Macy's bag!
[turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Yay! Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.

[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing!
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler! You brought Chandler! The next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons!
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that-
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.

[Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after Chandler]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl! Chandler is a girl!
Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback.
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake! It turns out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was a girl after all! Chandler is a girl! Chandler is a girl! Chandler is a girl!
Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that!

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

[After hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's grieving.
[We see Chandler running outside]
Chandler: I'M FREE! I AM FREE!

Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.
[pause]
Phoebe: Except for you, Joey.

Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along! Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler... have a
[mumble]
Phoebe: handlerrrrr.

Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it!
Chandler: Come on! What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."?

Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course.
Joey: Ok, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]

Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.

Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ... Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad! Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game!
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
Ross: No, I don't!
Phoebe: You got married to her.
Ross: In Vegas! I was so drunk, I could've married Joey!
Phoebe: [angry] Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni!

Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.
Ben: Thanks, daddy.
Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

Ross: That's amazing! How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.

[Ross's cousin is very attractive]
Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that?
Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that.
Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles.
[reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap]
Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow.
[softly]
Ross: Just like our children would be...

Cassie: Wow! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions.
[laughs nervously]
Ross: It's, uh, a hobby.
Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me.
Ross: Ye- No!

Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux! I got James Bond's tux! You'll ruin the special time for me!
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh! Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister!
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do!

[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts...turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think!

[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of...sexy professor vibe?
Rachel: Not right now.

Chandler: [comes home] Hey.
Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Sidney Poitier?
[laughs by himself] Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel...

Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that! My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[winks at Joey]

[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No! No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again!

[Chandler and Joey are looking at Richard's videotape collection]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Joey: Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape.
[Joey thinks]
Joey: Wait a minute. This says Monica.
[Joey looks around]
Joey: And this is Richard's apartment.
Chandler: Get there faster!

Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi!
Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi?
Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?

Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great! We're gonna save so much money! And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning!
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

Charles Bing: Nora, aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Charles, don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great!

Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO! Her EAR!

Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it.
Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.
Ross: Ok.
Chandler: [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...

[Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents]
Chandler: You look beautiful mom.
Nora Bing: Thanks, dear.
Charles Bing: Ahem.
Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad.

[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

Judy Geller: Chandler can't be here. He can't see Monica in the wedding dress before the wedding. It's bad luck.
Nora Bing: At my wedding, I saw the groom in a wedding dress. Charles Bing: You saw me after the wedding. It wasn't a bad luck charm.
Nora Bing: Trust me honey, it can't be good luck.

Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait! I said maybe!

[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut!
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture-
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card!
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Ross: [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...

Monica: [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet?
Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story-
Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]

Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.
Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Ross: I'm not a pervert!
Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

[Chandler is caught smoking]
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

-
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you!

Joey: I am telling this to Rachel!
Monica: No, Joey!
Joey: Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey: Oh ho ho! You almost had me there!

Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked!
Chandler: ... All right.
Joey: YEAH!
Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey: [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating! So, we still on for tonight?
Ross: Sure.
Mona: Ok. Bye.
Ross: Bye.
Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.

Joey: You two were having sex!
Monica: No, we weren't!
Joey: Yeah, you were! I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair!
[to Chandler]
Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

[Flashback scene, 3 years before the pilot]
Phoebe: [looks through window] Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.

Chandler: [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself!

Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8! All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.

Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Chandler: Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
[Chandler and Ross stare at him]
Joey: What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison!

Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

Ross: [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.
[gets second line]
Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
[returns to second line]
Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
[switches back to second line]
Monica: Give me that.
[into phone]
Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
[pause]
Monica: Oh, hi mom.
[starts throwing things at Ross]

Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

[After Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that.
Joey: Me too. I mean I...haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me!

Chandler: [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Richard: Well...
Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
[to Chandler]
Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

[At an audition] Joey: Come on, give me another chance! I can do a southern accent!
[with Jamaican accent]
Joey: Ya, mon.

Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

[To Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore]
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erica: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because...because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
[Chandler throws water in his face]

Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi! Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange.
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada.
[Pause]
Chandler: I'll let myself out.

Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

Monica: So you wanna?
Chandler: OK.
[Pauses]
Chandler: I can't.
Monica: [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: I can't because of Emma.
Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom! You got your admirer!
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man!

Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition!

Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

Ross: I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

[after having sex with Rachel's boss]
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it.]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a not to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]
Joey: Hey, do you need any help?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a t.v.
Joey: You don't own a t.v.? What's all your furniture pointed at?

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl!
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

[In a Scottish Accent, on the phone]
Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time.

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No! Why would I why! No! Why!
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures....
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs?
Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts!

[In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker']
Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial!
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!

Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...

[talking to Monica]
Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

Joey: All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Attaboy.

[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician!

Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number...

Monica: Do you ever think about the future?
Richard: Yeah, I think about the future.
Monica: Am I in it?
Richard: You are my future.
Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky!

[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]
Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
[Pause]
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas..

Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14!
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man!

Chandler: You've got a male nanny? You've got a manny?

Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in!

[Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend] Richard: I see your hair grew long.
Monica: Yeah, like you always wanted to. I see you grew your mustache back.
Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.
Chandler: [to Richard's date] It's a good thing you don't have a mustache!
[laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand]
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.

[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.

Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy!

Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest! That's one of my favorite digests!

[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone!

Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

Richard: [about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice!

Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath!

[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going. Jack Geller: Bye.
[both leave]
Monica: Hey! How come they get to leave?
Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man! He fought for our country!
Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea!

[hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding]
Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all people!

Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

[Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy]
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

Phoebe: Oh god! Just DO it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Chandler: And that, is the real San Francisco treat!

Joey: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?

Chandler: You think that's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

Phoebe: Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say. It could say "Ross Geller, Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's gonna say "Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.

ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

Ross: You what? Wh- what were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the

street with a telescope and a box of donuts.

CHANDLER: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

JOEY: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)

Joey to Chandler: Okay, man, I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler is the stupidest name I've ever heard in my whole life! It's not even a name! It's barely even a word. It's kind of like chandelier...but it's not. It's a stupid, stupid, non-name.

Chandler: "What's this?"

Joey: "Eight hundred and twelve bucks."

Chandler: "Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya, but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night."

Joey (watching old videos of Monica): Some girl ate Monica!!! "

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds. "

Chandler: so how many cameras are actually on you?

1. Ross: Your money's mine Green.

Rachel: Your fly's open Gellar!!

Ross: I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross: It's in Barbados.

Chandler: But you come first!

Rachel: I'm there.

Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.

Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

Chandler: What kind of scary-a** clowns came to your birthday?

Chandler: Ok, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Joey: Oh! Sorry... did I get you?

Chandler: NO, you didn't Get me! It's an electric drill! You Get me, you Kill me!

Phoebe: "I'm late for...uhhh...my Green Eggs and Eggs discussion group. Tonight is why he would not eat them on a train.

Ross: Dads still telling the story about how you tried to escape from fat camp.

Monica: I wasnt trying to escape!

Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?

Monica: I was helping out a squirrel

Ross: You were trying to eat it!!!!

CHANDLER: What are you doing?

JOEY: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.

CHANDLER: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

JOEY: That's right! I'm taking the essence.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.

Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator. Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler? I think I lost mine.

Joey: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Chandler: Honey hundreds of CD's, not one of them in the right case.

Monica: Well maybe we could alphabetize them??

Chandler: Or maybe we could label them, you know in files??

Rachel: Oh My God you guys have such problems, I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU!!!

Joey: But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No! No, Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that

Rachel: "Ya know I really thought I had hit rock bottom, but today it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap then me."

Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.

Monica: Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor.

Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.

Monica: Oh, so you can move them.

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!

Joey: Look at me--I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH?!!! MY SANDWICH!!!!!!

 

Joey: Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you

for another woman that likes women?

Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor--in a COMA--who didn't

hear you.

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates.... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?

Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash

woman.

Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?

Ross: Yeah, sure.

Joey: By someone besides Monica?

Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?

Rachel:: Now I love you even more.

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?

Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.

Joanna: What are you doing?

Chandler: I'm getting dressed.

Joanna: Why?

Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me

Ross: So why don't you quit?

Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria.

Ross: Who is Maria?

Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat.

Monica: [Sneeze] Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!

Phoebe: You mean you stole it!

Monica: [Sneeze]

Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?

Joey: Five years.

Ross: You've sentenced him?

Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.

Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

Phoebe: Aw, Phebes...

Rachel: Honey, that's your name.

Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.

Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.

Chandler: You got your passport?

Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.

 

Rachel: You gotta come with me!

Phoebe: Come where?

Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!

Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

Ross: You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!

Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.

Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room? Or...

Phoebe: I'm in Vice. Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Cop: Who... who else is in vice up there?

Phoebe: Um, do you know, um Sipowicz?

Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: Yeah, Sipowicz. Yeah, um, big guy, kind of bald.

Cop: No, I don't know him.

Phoebe: Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there. He's out. His, um... his partner just died.

Cop: Wow. Well, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.

Phoebe: I sure will. Take care.

Cop: Hey! By the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.

Monica:

What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex? Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

Chandler:

and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

Chandler:

'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey:

I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler:

You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was

a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

Monica Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girls wooden leg in a fire, livin in a box!!

Chandler "If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, yknow. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!"

Chandler: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna DO!?
Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it, ducks or clowns.
Chandler : Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
Joey: You got a better idea?
Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
Joey : Heads.
Chandler: Heads it is.
Joey: Yess! Whoo!
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something!
Joey: Right, okay, okay, uhhh, ducks is heads, because ducks...have heads.
Chandler: What kinda' scary-ass clowns came to your birthday!?